she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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