Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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