Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
