Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
