Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
