Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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