There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
