you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
