I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
last night I used snow as a chaser
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
