I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
