Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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