if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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