its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
