Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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