i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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