Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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