Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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