well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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