Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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