you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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