I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I love having hate sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize