i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
