i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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