I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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