Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
