marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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