I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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