I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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