dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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