You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think my fart just growled at me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Never joke about your clitoris.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
