ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
