omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
