can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
