During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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