Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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