He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
