I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
