I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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