Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
