the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
