fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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