I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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