this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
is that a dick in a sweater?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
