life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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