i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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