I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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