I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
