Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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