The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
