His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
