why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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