By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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