if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
