Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
