I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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