I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
