I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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