I feel great
I just peed on a car
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
