Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
