The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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