I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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